I'm grateful that the cashier in the story was willing to be honest and discuss her experiences with a relative stranger. I hate all of these Mama Bears memes which essentially seek to train the cis community to treat trans people differently than they would treat any other adult, to tiptoe around us, ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I want to express myself on matters relating to my life the same as any other adult, ESPECIALLY when it comes to trans-related topics. It's like Harvey Milk said nearly fifty years ago--"How can people change their minds about us if they don't know who we are?"
On other words, I also give Steve-O credit for having the courage, not just to change his mind about the stunt, and not only to actually ask a trans woman for her opinion as a trans woman, but to accept her response to his question as the valid, intelligent, and heartfelt opinion of an adult human being. It may not seem like much, but trust me: to be trans in Florida often seems as though I am but a spectator in the fight over my own rights.
Oh, and nobody asked me, but...personally, I don't see much distinction between Steve-O's planned stunt and a drag pageant: it's entertainment primarily created by cis men, intended for a cis audience, and rooted in ridicule of women. (I really hope I live long enough to see drag go the way of Chief Wahoo.)
I always appreciate you sharing your perspective (and was ESPECIALLY hoping you would for this blog). I can imagine that it's incredibly frustrating to feel like "a spectator in the fight over my own rights." What are some ways that the cis ally population can show up better? (Myself included!)
Oh my gosh…first of all—Jillian—YOU—Jillian Abby, author of “Perfectly Queer” do not need to do anything differently. You have always treated me like an adult human being, as a peer, as Monique. For me, that means everything. As a bonus, you’re also written an amazing book that really touched me AND you’re just flat-out one of the coolest ladies in town.
But: I don’t think that the cis population should be obligated to follow any special rules or guidelines when interacting with people in the trans community which they wouldn’t follow when interacting with one another. Yes, there are certain…things, certain experiences, a certain specific perspective that I share with other trans people (men and women) which cis people cannot innately grasp, and which I’m not ever sure that they can truly understand. Sometimes that bothers me, but that’s just life. But that innate ignorance of the trans experience is not intolerance; do you think I was born knowing how transition...worked?
Conversely, I have no idea how I might have ever learned to navigate estrogen over the course of the past couple of years had it not been for the connections I was able to make with cis women who were more than happy to clue me in on exactly what was happening with me, because I was willing to listen to them sharing their (often) very personal and intimate experiences about their cycles, changing hormone levels, and changing bodies. (It's not just trans women who are concerned with hormone replacement and/or considering certain surgeries.) So as far as I’m concerned, ignorance and communication and the exchange of these experiences and perspective are a two-way street. How about we simply treat each other as we would like to be treated?
More to the point—I do feel that these passive-aggressive social media rubrics regarding the proper care and feeding of trans people is harmful to the extent that it implies that trans people should be treated as victims of their gender identity—and yes, there is absolutely a certain narcissistic element among certain allies who seem to conceptualize people the trans community as helpless waifs in need of rescuing, so long as those trans people know their place, and stay quiet, and show an appropriate amount of gratitude to their cis benefactors. (There, I said it.)
I would, however, point out that cis people and trans people both tend to overlook a third segment of the population, a segment which I don’t believe has a label, and one which I’m not certain how else to describe other than as ‘the person I used to be’: the closeted trans person, relatively comfortable living a cis lifestyle, yet is plagued by a very real lack of connection between the person they are expected to be and the person they actually are. Because those people are absolutely listening to what both sides are saying. That’s why I wish that cis people would focus less on pronouns and terminology, and instead be willing to speak out against trans exclusion and Republican propaganda, even when there are no other visibly trans people within earshot.
Similarly—and this is just my personal opinion, mind you—trans people also need to be willing to share their experiences with people they perceive as cis, for no better reason than nobody is more qualified to speak on the subject of transition than somebody that has actually transitioned. We possess personal knowledge we should circulate, not just to counter anti-trans propaganda, but because there are people who need access to that knowledge and experience for reasons not at all morbid or prurient. My journey is not a trade secret; when I compulsively use my proprietary interest in my journey to expose a side of myself which was once a deep, dark secret, I’m not trying to educate cis people as much as I’m simply trying to use my voice on the chance that somebody will hear something that helps them to better understand themself—because once upon a time, there were no trans voices out there for me to hear.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to me, “trans visibility” is not about putting ourselves out there in order to demonstrate to the cis community that we walk among them (or to lecture them about how we want them to act), but about the idea that when I go to Tyrone Mall on a busy Saturday afternoon, and a hundred different strangers happen to notice me and recognize me as trans, it is statistically likely that at least one of those people also will be seeing a life that is possible for them. And I don’t say that to be self-aggrandizing; I say that because back when I was in my twenties, back in the 90’s, I managed to spot exactly three trans people out in the wild, breathing public air and living their lives without fear or shame; all these years later, I can still feel the overwhelming yet indescribable response which each of those fellow human beings managed to generate in only a few seconds, burning their way into my long-term memory by the fact of their existence.
So it's not only the cis community who needs to "show up better." I absolutely believe that people in the trans community need to use their voices and share their experiences, not just to demystify transition and gender identity for earnestly empathetic cis people (including Steve-O), but to reach the people in that third category.
And, as always, I hope this makes sense. After years of social ineptitude, transition has, in fact, enabled me to establish so many wonderful, close connections with so many wonderful people, and I’m just grateful to have friends who are willing to see me not just as a woman, but as a peer, an adult, a human being. And yes, I would hope that simple, respectful, productive and mutually beneficial connections such as the conversation between Steve-O and the cashier are, in fact the norm, rather than the exception. Social media indicates that such interactions are rare, while my personal experience tells me the opposite; in fact, two-plus years into this journey, I still have yet to experience an unpleasant public encounter with an overaggressive transphobe.
I'm grateful that the cashier in the story was willing to be honest and discuss her experiences with a relative stranger. I hate all of these Mama Bears memes which essentially seek to train the cis community to treat trans people differently than they would treat any other adult, to tiptoe around us, ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I want to express myself on matters relating to my life the same as any other adult, ESPECIALLY when it comes to trans-related topics. It's like Harvey Milk said nearly fifty years ago--"How can people change their minds about us if they don't know who we are?"
On other words, I also give Steve-O credit for having the courage, not just to change his mind about the stunt, and not only to actually ask a trans woman for her opinion as a trans woman, but to accept her response to his question as the valid, intelligent, and heartfelt opinion of an adult human being. It may not seem like much, but trust me: to be trans in Florida often seems as though I am but a spectator in the fight over my own rights.
Oh, and nobody asked me, but...personally, I don't see much distinction between Steve-O's planned stunt and a drag pageant: it's entertainment primarily created by cis men, intended for a cis audience, and rooted in ridicule of women. (I really hope I live long enough to see drag go the way of Chief Wahoo.)
I always appreciate you sharing your perspective (and was ESPECIALLY hoping you would for this blog). I can imagine that it's incredibly frustrating to feel like "a spectator in the fight over my own rights." What are some ways that the cis ally population can show up better? (Myself included!)
Oh my gosh…first of all—Jillian—YOU—Jillian Abby, author of “Perfectly Queer” do not need to do anything differently. You have always treated me like an adult human being, as a peer, as Monique. For me, that means everything. As a bonus, you’re also written an amazing book that really touched me AND you’re just flat-out one of the coolest ladies in town.
But: I don’t think that the cis population should be obligated to follow any special rules or guidelines when interacting with people in the trans community which they wouldn’t follow when interacting with one another. Yes, there are certain…things, certain experiences, a certain specific perspective that I share with other trans people (men and women) which cis people cannot innately grasp, and which I’m not ever sure that they can truly understand. Sometimes that bothers me, but that’s just life. But that innate ignorance of the trans experience is not intolerance; do you think I was born knowing how transition...worked?
Conversely, I have no idea how I might have ever learned to navigate estrogen over the course of the past couple of years had it not been for the connections I was able to make with cis women who were more than happy to clue me in on exactly what was happening with me, because I was willing to listen to them sharing their (often) very personal and intimate experiences about their cycles, changing hormone levels, and changing bodies. (It's not just trans women who are concerned with hormone replacement and/or considering certain surgeries.) So as far as I’m concerned, ignorance and communication and the exchange of these experiences and perspective are a two-way street. How about we simply treat each other as we would like to be treated?
More to the point—I do feel that these passive-aggressive social media rubrics regarding the proper care and feeding of trans people is harmful to the extent that it implies that trans people should be treated as victims of their gender identity—and yes, there is absolutely a certain narcissistic element among certain allies who seem to conceptualize people the trans community as helpless waifs in need of rescuing, so long as those trans people know their place, and stay quiet, and show an appropriate amount of gratitude to their cis benefactors. (There, I said it.)
I would, however, point out that cis people and trans people both tend to overlook a third segment of the population, a segment which I don’t believe has a label, and one which I’m not certain how else to describe other than as ‘the person I used to be’: the closeted trans person, relatively comfortable living a cis lifestyle, yet is plagued by a very real lack of connection between the person they are expected to be and the person they actually are. Because those people are absolutely listening to what both sides are saying. That’s why I wish that cis people would focus less on pronouns and terminology, and instead be willing to speak out against trans exclusion and Republican propaganda, even when there are no other visibly trans people within earshot.
Similarly—and this is just my personal opinion, mind you—trans people also need to be willing to share their experiences with people they perceive as cis, for no better reason than nobody is more qualified to speak on the subject of transition than somebody that has actually transitioned. We possess personal knowledge we should circulate, not just to counter anti-trans propaganda, but because there are people who need access to that knowledge and experience for reasons not at all morbid or prurient. My journey is not a trade secret; when I compulsively use my proprietary interest in my journey to expose a side of myself which was once a deep, dark secret, I’m not trying to educate cis people as much as I’m simply trying to use my voice on the chance that somebody will hear something that helps them to better understand themself—because once upon a time, there were no trans voices out there for me to hear.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to me, “trans visibility” is not about putting ourselves out there in order to demonstrate to the cis community that we walk among them (or to lecture them about how we want them to act), but about the idea that when I go to Tyrone Mall on a busy Saturday afternoon, and a hundred different strangers happen to notice me and recognize me as trans, it is statistically likely that at least one of those people also will be seeing a life that is possible for them. And I don’t say that to be self-aggrandizing; I say that because back when I was in my twenties, back in the 90’s, I managed to spot exactly three trans people out in the wild, breathing public air and living their lives without fear or shame; all these years later, I can still feel the overwhelming yet indescribable response which each of those fellow human beings managed to generate in only a few seconds, burning their way into my long-term memory by the fact of their existence.
So it's not only the cis community who needs to "show up better." I absolutely believe that people in the trans community need to use their voices and share their experiences, not just to demystify transition and gender identity for earnestly empathetic cis people (including Steve-O), but to reach the people in that third category.
And, as always, I hope this makes sense. After years of social ineptitude, transition has, in fact, enabled me to establish so many wonderful, close connections with so many wonderful people, and I’m just grateful to have friends who are willing to see me not just as a woman, but as a peer, an adult, a human being. And yes, I would hope that simple, respectful, productive and mutually beneficial connections such as the conversation between Steve-O and the cashier are, in fact the norm, rather than the exception. Social media indicates that such interactions are rare, while my personal experience tells me the opposite; in fact, two-plus years into this journey, I still have yet to experience an unpleasant public encounter with an overaggressive transphobe.
It must be the pole guns 😉. (Love you, Jillian!)