Three Easy Steps to Solve Life's Problems
Thoughts from Queer Abby for when life feels like it's spiraling out of control.
Dear Queer Abby,
I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I’m losing my mind. I recently came out to my husband and he didn’t take it well and share the news with our whole family. Now many of them are not speaking to me or asking really rude questions. My husband is the primary earner in our relationship, while I have been taking care of our four children. Now, I feel like I’m in constant panic mode, wondering how I’m going to survive through this and after the divorce. It all seems so overwhelming and part of me regrets creating all of this chaos in my life. Please tell me it will be okay.
Sincerely,
Spiraling in St. Cloud
Dear friend,
Did you hear that? It was the sound of collective heartbreak from the rest of your later-in-life community. We’ve been there in our own unique ways. We know how hard this is. But to respond to your last sentence—nearly all of us would agree that it does get better. Oh so much better. In fact, I’ve found it a rarity to meet anyone who has come out and regrets their choice to do so. There is so much to be gained simply by living in integrity with who you were so wonderfully, beautifully created to be.
And still, it does not make right now any easier. Your nervous system may be responding in patterns of a trauma response. The National Institute of Health, in their writeup on “Understanding the Impact of Trauma” identifies the following reactions to an acute trauma situation: exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect. If that trauma persists for some time (as it often does for us in the coming out process), it can begin to appear as: persistent fatigue, sleep disorders, nightmares, fear of recurrence, anxiety focused on flashbacks, depression, and avoidance of emotions or sensations.
Perhaps you identify with one or a few of those. Understand that what you are feeling is a normal response. You haven’t lost your mind. Your mind and body are responding to a traumatic situation in the way our bodies and minds often respond to traumatic situations. This is not to minimize what you’re feeling. It’s to illustrate (unfortunately) that this is often part of the process for anyone who undergoes a major life or identity shift.
You are not alone.
How Do We Help Ourselves?
In my memoir, Perfectly Queer, I share quite openly all of the things that my mind and body went through—including insomnia, lack of appetite, excessive alcohol and caffeine consumption, unusual menstrual patterns, bleeding bowels, hair loss, and more. I shared all of that because I found there were people in my life who tried to over-simplify or minimize what it was really like to come out.
When I had to check myself into Urgent Care for my health issues, I realized that if I didn’t start to make positive changes, it wasn’t just my husband who wouldn’t have me anymore—nobody would. I was so very fortunate to reconnect with a friend of mine who also happened to be a counselor and life coach named Rachel.
She was a strong ally of the LGBTQ+ community and had been through her own mid-life identity shift with kids in tow. I didn’t know how I would afford a session with her, but I made it work and was so grateful that I did. Rachel provided me with an exercise that seemed far too simple to ever work, and yet that’s why it was so effective and worked so well for me.
I share her exercise called the Three C’s in my book and here with Rachel’s permission. It is one of the top things from Perfectly Queer that I receive messages about. It has helped so many. I hope it does the same for you, dear friend.
(Side note: Rachel recently lost most of the contents of her home in the two recent hurricanes here in Florida. If you would like to make an energetic exchange for her work, please consider donating to her Venmo at @Rachel-StoneOertel. Every little bit helps).
The Three C’s
See if you can find a cozy quiet place that doesn’t involve children using you as their own personal jungle gym. Grab yourself your favorite notebook, favorite pen, and maybe a glass of water or soothing tea for good measure.
At the top of one page write the word COMFORT. On the top of the next page write COMMUNITY. And on the top of the third page write CONTROL. Your job is to keep writing until you fill the page in each of these areas. (No… don’t go grab a smaller notepad now. That’s cheating. You got this!)
Comfort, Community, and Control are the only three areas of your life you need to focus on at this moment and as you go through this exercise. Let’s break down what each one means.
COMFORT
Comfort is anything that makes you feel soothed. Comfort could be a certain soft t-shirt or fuzzy pajama pants you own. Comfort could be a hot beverage in your favorite mug. It could be hugs from your children, working with clay, using a weighted blanket, or sitting outside in the sun.
Comfort may include things like getting therapy or coaching, getting a massage or acupuncture, or going to your favorite restaurant for your favorite crock of French Onion soup.
Comfort items can cost money, but often times they don’t have to. In my experience, I realized that most of what brought my comfort was already available to me. Music brought me comfort. The occasional nap brought me comfort. Writing and journaling brought me comfort. Alone time brought me comfort. Your own comfort may already be within reach.
Community
This list may be a little more challenging. Your Community list is anyone out there in the world who would have your back if you needed support. Your community might include family members, friends from all eras of your life, healthcare professionals, your favorite librarian, coworkers, members of your spiritual community, or virtual communities you’re a part of online.
When I created my list, I wanted to make sure that I only included people who I was pretty certain would be there for me. Many of my family members did not make the list because I honestly didn’t know how they’d react and I didn’t want to be let down. While this list might take more time to create, people are out there to support you along the way. Feel free to add my name to your list.
Control
This last section I found most challenging to get started, but once I figured it out you could have called me ‘butter’ because I was on a roll. Your Control list includes all of the things in your life that you have control over. I found this list most helpful because it demonstrated to me that my life was not as “out of control” as I kept telling myself it was. Things were changing, true, but I was in the driver’s seat of making many decisions about my own life.
This section also helped me realize that managing my children's and family members’ feelings was outside of my control. Funny enough, that is where I had been directing so much of my energy. No wonder I was perpetually exhausted!
Think about all of the decisions you make in a day that you have control over. Maybe you can control what time you get up in the morning. Maybe you can choose what you have for breakfast or what type of physical movement you incorporate in your day. You can choose Jack Daniels or you can choose water. You can choose doomscrolling or you can choose to close your eyes and rest. You control your breath. You control your hygiene. You control what you’re wearing and whether you want socks on your feet or prefer to go barefoot. You can choose to respond to the unkind family members or you can choose to stay quiet for now.
See?! So many things we all get to decide at each moment. And while we can’t control other people’s emotions, we can absolutely learn to control the emotional energy that we bring to situations. We can choose to show up with compassion rather than frustration. We can choose to show up with trust instead of fear. We can choose to live in expansive emotional states instead of contracting ones.
If you feel like you would choose to punch me in the face right now for going into this self-help energetic talk, that’s okay too. Add it to your control list and know that while now might not be the time to receive some of these words, you can choose to revisit them later when your nervous system is in a different state and reassess how they feel.
Self-Care in Action
Once you have your three full pages, take a moment to see how you feel. Did you have any lightbulb moments? Did you find yourself frustrated or relieved at any point? What are some ways you could see yourself incorporating the knowledge on these lists into your day?
Rachel encouraged me to start by picking three things from my comfort list that I could do for myself every single day. Because my nervous system was so dysregulated, this felt like a great (and easy) first step in turning the beat around on my crazy train. Give me my bathrobe, or give me death! was my new mantra.
As I moved into a better state of mind, Rachel encouraged me to pick a few people from my Community list. She asked me to contact them to let them know that I was going through a hard time and to ask if it would be okay if I reached out to them if I needed to talk. That was terrifying to do—but everyone acted as if they were honored by the request. They were all game to be there. I never did end up reaching out to most of them, but it helped to know that there were people out there who cared.
And each time I revisited my control list, I could think of five new things to add to it. My personal empowerment was self-perpetuating. The more I took control of things, the more in control I felt, which allowed me to take control over new things that previously scared me—things like looking for new sources of income, learning to mow the lawn, going on a dating app, and going to the courthouse to file my divorce paperwork.
The hard things were still hard, but I found myself more empowered to face them. I had a new emotional energy that wasn’t purely fear. Now there was hope and confidence involved.
Self Care is Not the Only Care
I think it’s important to mention that self-care was not the only care I needed to navigate through these hard times. Each person experiences the coming out process in their own unique way. As such, if you find yourself in a crisis situation, please seek support—whether from a medical professional or hotlines like:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Available 24/7, call 988
LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline: Call 888-OUT-LGBT (888-688-5428)
SAGE LGBT Elder Hotline: Call 1-877-360-LGBT (5428), available 24/7 in English and Spanish
Trevor Project: Call 1-866-488-7386, available 24/7, for LGBTQ youth ages 13–24
Text "HOME" to 741741 for the crisis text line
My friend, these times aren’t easy and sometimes we can even frighten ourselves by the way our own minds and bodies respond to what we’re experiencing. I am so proud of you and sending you so much love for choosing yourself. In doing so, it shows others (including your children) that they are allowed to choose themselves too. You taught them such an important lesson that if life doesn’t feel right or aligned, we are allowed to course correct… in a job, in a relationship, in a geography, in a hairstyle choice.
