Surprise! Meet your bonus mom.

What to expect when you're blending your family.

Dear Queer Abby,

My two kids and I recently moved in with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating three years and she’s been around the kids nearly that entire time, but moving in is a different story and I feel like some dynamics are shifting. I’d love any advice you have on coparenting with someone who is not a biological parent.

Thanks!

Blending in Buffalo

Dear friend,

Congratulations on this big step in your relationship! It’s a lot of change to go from dating to co-habiting, where you learn things like your cat actually prefers your partner over you and that there is a “clerty” laundry pile for the stuff that is not-quite clean but not quite dirty enough to wash. Toss a smattering of children on the pile and you’ve got a potential recipe for family magic or family disaster.

What does the Magic 8 ball say in terms of what your relationship will be? Well, that all depends on your expectations and how well you communicate them with each other. You have expectations. Your partner has expectations. Your children have expectations. Some may be reasonable (ex. Everyone needs to clean up their plate after each meal), and some may be unreasonable (ex. No noise in the household from 4pm until 8am each day). Some may be non-negotiables (ex. No physical violence in the household) and some may be nice-to-have (ex. We all dress up as the cast of Scooby Doo for Comicon next year).

Think about your vision for your family and then start by creating your list of expectations— particularly things around parenting roles & discipline, boundaries, and household responsibilities & finances. Determine if any things are deal-breakers for you if they don’t happen and make sure your partner understands that. Make sure you are clear on their expectations and deal-breakers as well.

I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those darn kids!

Moving in together can be challenging enough, blending lives and ways of being. Kids add a whole other layer. Whether your partner has kids or doesn’t, creates its own unique set of challenges. If they do have kids, you now have that many more humans with their own expectations, feelings, and the desire to be added to your car insurance some day. If they don't have kids, they may find the adjustment to yours a huge and jarring shift to their way of life and not being able to watch The Ultimatum: Queer Love in the living room during dinner.

With both your partner and your kids, slow and steady is key. Moving is a lot. More people in the house is a lot. Making small incremental adjustments over time will generally be more successful than flipping everyone’s world on its end. For you kids, seek ways to include consistency and routines from your previous living situation. If some house rules are different, start with the most important rules (those that may be “deal breakers” to you or your partner if not followed) and then add additional ones over time.

This incremental change should granted to your partner as well. Don’t attempt to turn them into “Bonus Mom” overnight and everyone will automatically bond in that way. When my family went through this adjustment, we started with building a foundation of love and safety between my partner and my children. If she had a disciplinary issue or something that was bothering her, she would share it with me and I would communicate the need with the kids. That way, she was only responsible for showing up with love and making them feel safe around her. And with time, we eventually reached the point where she could partake in the joy of yelling, “Did you wash your hands? With soap?” too.

Creating your family culture

I always love a fresh start, where life’s possibilities seem to be limitless (until 2pm when I get tired and give up on all my hopes and dreams). Blending your family is one of those new possibilities to consciously create new routines and better outcomes for everyone. You may want to consider creating some new traditions that will further add some consistency and routine to life.

Maybe you have family dinners with no electronics, where everyone shares about their day. Perhaps Fridays you celebrate the end of the school week with a trip to the nearest boba shop or get some froyo. Or Saturdays could become your new family game night. Inviting the kids to help in creating the new traditions will give them a sense of ownership and belonging in your new family unit.

Speaking of routines, you and your significant other may also want to create a plan for when you’ll have time together as a couple. While you nurture this family unit, it’s important to also tend to your relationship with each other. And if you can carve some more time out in your schedule, it will make everyone a better human if you each get some time to yourself as well.

You got this

Communication is key. Everyone needs the space to be able to express how they feel and have those feelings validated. Patience and flexibility may be two virtues you exercise heavily in this time. So many families before you have done this successfully and you can too. Enjoy the journey ahead!