Maybe Pride Isn't For You
But you can still (hopefully) understand why people need it
Joy. As a collaborative writer (formerly known as a ghostwriter), I have the absolute joy of learning other people’s stories and work and sharing them in a way that is deliciously digestible to their audience. Creating these books is not just about an author filling my inbox with speech transcripts, slide decks, and middle-of-the-night thoughts about material to include so that I can make a finished product that sounds like them. It’s a journey that we take together that forces them to get clear on their ideas and perspectives. In return, I inevitably learn new things and adapt the way I live with this new knowledge. Every single book makes me a better version of myself.
One such book I’m working on is about mindfulness and its ability to help us work through trauma. It’s fascinating and soothing. Simple tools for complex life experiences. Perhaps most importantly, though, it’s really forced me to noodle through the energy and emotional experiences that I want to be a part of my life. What am I working toward? Who do I want to be? And what are the personality or trauma barriers I hold that are slowing that progress?
The chapter I am collaboratively writing today is about one of the Four Sublime States of Buddhist— joy. Joy seems like it should be easy enough to bring into our lives. Remember when a good portion of us were holding old socks against our chests to see if they “sparked joy” in our souls or if they were on a fast track to the trash? The ease and challenge of using Marie Kondo’s one and only metric of “joy” was a brilliant way to determine what we would allow in our spaces to create the energy and emotion that we desired.
While things can generate joy for us, our most lasting joys often come from the people in our lives. Sometimes we don’t even feel joy and then someone will share something joyful with us and we will share in their delight. This is (what I’ve recently learned) is known as sympathetic joy. The Dalai Lama has said that when we celebrate, delight, and feel joy in the successes and happiness of others, then the chances of our own happiness increasing are very high.
Take a moment and think about the last time someone shared something joyful with you. How did you feel to hear their joy?
Even in the darkest moments of humanity, like those time when people enslaved other human beings, joy was created through acknowledging their struggle through songs. These songs were shared by the community and shared across generations. Joy doesn’t just feel good. It is a mechanism for survival.
What’s Pride got to do with it?
Every year without fail I (and almost every other queer content creator) gets hit with the same tired commentary:
Why do you need to celebrate who you’re sleeping with? It’s not about that.
Why are we suppose to celebrate your sexuality when we could be celebrating our brave military members? We do that at various points in the year. Also LGBTQ+ people serve in the military.
When is heterosexual pride month? Why do you need to celebrate who you’re sleeping with? 😜
Just say it— you don’t really get what Pride… or queerness… or love… or intersectionality are really about. That’s okay. Pride isn’t for you.
But Pride month is that communal generator of joy for a community that has long since been oppressed and continued to be oppressed (often by the people who ask the aforementioned questions). Pride is not to “shove our lifestyle in other people’s faces” or to try and “convert people to be gay” any more than celebrating your favorite football team is forcing everyone in your vicinity to love football and become Josh Allen fans. (Though, how can you NOT like that guy?!)
Pride is about anyone, including our allies, who chooses to be a part of our community to come together and express and receive joy. For those members of the community who are struggling, the recognitions of Pride month (like seeing a rainbow flag hanging outside a neighbor’s home or noticing your favorite barista wearing a Pride bracelet) can be enough of a spark of joy to keep them going another day.
Why would anyone deny another human being the opportunity to feel joy? When you say, “I don’t see why you need Pride!” what you’re really saying is “I don’t see why you need to feel joy!” Sounds a little ridiculous, right?
My collaborative author whom I’m writing with said, “Being authentic and true to your feelings is the necessary first step to move towards joy. Joy cannot be faked inside your heart.” Perhaps that right there is the crux of why people struggle so much to see queer joy. Those who feel restricted or unable to live truly authentically derive no joy from the LGBTQIA+’s celebration because it’s antithetical to the way they live their lives.
Whether members of the LGBTQIA+ community feel they’re living authentically or not, they have achieved a greater degree of authenticity than many people in the world simply by identifying themselves as something outside of what is considered mainstream. Living in this identity means knowing that you’re putting yourself at odds with those Pride-questioners above simply by existing as the person you were created to be.
It’s no wonder that authentic people, those living with joy, may feel like an affront to those who do not give themselves permission to do the same.
We need Pride. Pride moves our community closer to joy. Everyone deserves that opportunity. If Pride is not your jam, don’t go. Instead, find a community that creates sympathetic joy in you. We don’t need more wasted energy trying to rain on another person’s joy parade. We can all be a part of moving our world toward a more sublime state.
Want more joy in your life?
Join me and my sib from another crib, Alex Reegan, as we go live on Hay House Publishing’s Facebook page for our Pride month presentation, “Humaning is Hard.”
Alex and I will be sharing our stories and insights on how we are making our way through this human experience and what we’ve learned along the way. The session will include actionable exercises and steps that nearly everyone can use to experience more joy in their lives… or at least make humaning feel a bit more tolerable.
We hope you’ll join us!
