Is virtual connection enough?

Thoughts on choosing (or ending) a long distance relationship

Dear Queer Abby,

I met someone who lives 3 hours away on a dating app. We have been chatting for over a month now and have had a few amazing video dates on the weekends. I’m attracted to her in so many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But between the distance and our life schedules (work, kids, etc) it is nearly impossible to connect virtually, let alone in person. And I don’t see a way for things to change for the foreseeable future. Do I walk away from an amazing thing because I want someone who is available or do I lean into this lesson in dating slowly and with intent? Is there another way to consider?

Long distance in Louisville

Dear friend,

This is a real challenge and one faced by many in our community. The dating pool is so much smaller than in heterolandia, which often means that we might find someone who feels in every way like a good match…except geographically. You bring up a great question—is it worth it to enter a relationship even if it’s going to move at a snail’s pace or (to quote my pre-teen) do you need to “yeet yourself out of there” because you’ve entered dating-dead-end territory?

There’s not one right answer in these situations, so instead let’s stand on our heads and explore this from a few different perspectives. But the first and most important question you can ask yourself is: Why do I want to be in a relationship?

What are your goals for you and your eventual partner? What is your vision for a romantic relationship? When you can get crystal clear with what you want it can be easier to say, “Yep, I am going to opt in for this!” or “Nopealope, this is not aligned with the type of relationship I’m looking for.”

Can true love grow from giphys and memes?

A Case for Calling it Quits

If your soul is screaming, “I need more connection, STAT!”, and you know deep in your Subaru-driving heart that you require regular in-person time to thrive in a relationship, then it’s okay to admit that this might not be your person right now. Timing matters. Love is grand, but so is feeling emotionally nourished more than a few times a month.

The Case for Leaning In

But, my dear friend, what if this is an opportunity for you to gasp… pace yourself? Dating with intention and not in a fiery ball of lesbian intensity could be a gift. Research shows that relationships built over time, with strong communication and emotional bonding, tend to be more successful. So, if the connection is solid and the chemistry is there, maybe this isn’t a roadblock—it’s an invitation to slow-cook a love that lasts.

Talk nerdy to me, baby

My wife-4-life, Jen, and I dated long distance with 936.3 miles between us for approximately 4 years. It worked because we both had a lot to get in order in our lives. And when we reached the point that we couldn’t possibly take being apart anymore, we came together.

A Third Way: The “Gay Middle Ground” 🌈

Instead of an all-or-nothing mindset, try reframing this as a season in your dating journey. What if, instead of feeling like you’re enduring some kind of romantic scarcity, you viewed this time as a relationship appetizer? You get to build connection, excitement, and emotional intimacy—without the pressure of over-investing too soon.

Here are some ways to keep things interesting:

1. Scheduled Virtual Dates – Movie nights, online games, or cooking the same meal together over Zoom can make those moments feel richer. Read more ideas in one of my previous posts here:

2. Texting & Voice Memos – A little “thinking of you” throughout the week can bridge the gap between those video dates. And who doesn’t love a good meme or 27.

3. The Countdown Effect – Research shows that anticipated pleasure heightens enjoyment… like waiting for Christmas gifts or a long-awaited vacation. Having a known meet-up date keeps the connection exciting and the dopamine flowing.

4. Check In With Yourself – Are you thriving with this arrangement, or just tolerating it because you don’t want to lose the potential? Your feelings matter, and it’s okay if this changes over time.

No Wrong Answers

If this woman makes your heart do jazz hands and you’re okay with dating slowly, lean in and enjoy the ride. If the distance and infrequency leave you feeling emotionally underfed, it’s okay to lovingly step back.

Either way, the most important question is: Does this arrangement make you happy and align with what you are looking for out of life? If not, adjust the recipe—not every great love story has to be made from scratch in 30 minutes or less.

With love and absolutely zero U-Haul pressure,