In Search of Family

Why chosen family may have been the way to go all along

Dear Queer Abby, 

I’m a mess of tears right now. I came out as a lesbian this year and my family can’t seem to accept me. They told me I could show up for dinner but that I wasn’t allowed to talk about “any gay stuff”… you know, my life. I’ve decided not to spend the day with them until they are willing to welcome all of me.

This is my first holiday season alone and my heart is broken. I know I chose not to be with them, but the thought of not having a family who loves and accepts me is so hard. I wish my family were different.

Sincerely,

Alone in Albany

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Dear friend,

I remember when I first read that our common understanding of the phrase “blood is thicker than water” was all wrong. The full version of the phrase is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” In essence, it means that the bond with those we make agreements with is stronger than the connection to our biological family—the exact opposite of what we’ve always taken the quote to mean!

You may have grown up hearing that family would always be there for you or that family bonds were the strongest. The reality for many people, LGBTQIA+ and otherwise, is that this is untrue. If it were true, we wouldn’t have phrases like "being the black sheep of the family” (which has another interesting history to it) because no family member would ever be cast out for being different.

That does not change the reality that being excluded, re-closeted, silenced, or ignored by our blood relations hurts. And depending on one’s age and financial status, family rejection can set them up for a challenging road ahead. Statistically, approximately 40% of homeless youth in the United States identify as LGBT due to a lack of safety or acceptance with their biological families.

The History of Chosen Family

The term “chosen family” comes from Kath Weston’s book Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship in 1991 to describe people who are not biological relatives but consider each other family. The concept of chosen family has a far longer history in the LGBTQIA+ community, though. This extension of family has provided a much-needed sense of community, safety, and financial support for individuals who were often rejected by their families or chose to leave their families for their self-preservation.

Chosen family may come from so many places— whether through friendships, through the communities you identify with, school or work connections, or even more distant blood relatives. Your chosen family members can often be an even greater support to you in your life because they are often the ones who love and accept you for who you are— you choose to be with them and they choose to be with you with no forced family obligations involved.

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You Get to Choose

When you think about it, isn’t that kind of amazing? You get to find the people who feel best for you. You get to surround yourself with those who lift you up and are rooting for your happiness. You get to find people whose energy and way of being matches your values and vision for life.

It’s like you just went from being force-fed the same meal for your entire life to having a whole restaurant menu available for your choosing. Yes, there will undoubtedly be some piece of you that longs for that dish you’ve always known and are familiar with… but your new reality means that you get to choose what you’re hungry for and what will help you feel full in life.

Show up for others as you want them to show up for you

Chosen family doesn’t work without following the golden rule— you need to do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. While you begin to look at your non-biological connections as family, you can also seek new opportunities to serve in a familial role to others. Need ideas? I’ve got two!

Give back

Have you heard of Trans Santa? While the name may seem to imply that it is merely a Christmastime organization, the reality is that Trans Santa can use your support year-round. Trans youth write letters with their story and what they’re in need of. You can either buy from their Amazon gift registry (which keeps their last name and address anonymous) or you can donate to the Trans Santa organization for them to allocate their funds to the areas of greatest need.

Does this give you an insta-family member? No. Will you get the warm fuzzy and insta-dopamine hit from knowing that you made someone’s day so much brighter? Absolutely. You become that cool queer aunt they never knew they had!

If Trans Santa isn’t your jam, there are numerous other LGBTQ+ organizations who could use your help like Sage, the Trevor Project, It Gets Better, or True Colors. Find the one that feels right to you.

Get Together

You can also find your chosen family by calling them to you. One recommendation would be to join The Curve Community on Facebook in their planning for Lesbian Visibility Week, which happens in April of every year.

LGBTQ+ women and nonbinary people are largely invisible in the world’s narrative, and conservative forces are working to erase lesbian culture and history from society. When a marginalized group is not visible, it becomes easy to discriminate against them. To ensure that we are seen and recognized for our contributions to society, The Curve Foundation is championing Lesbian Visibility Week as the US host for this worldwide annual event, which spans the UK, India, Africa and beyond. Curve produces over 60 events in multiple states and online, reaching an average of 350,000 people annually. For Lesbian Visibility Week 2025, we will be celebrating the power of sisterhood.

This year’s theme for Lesbian Visibility Week is… that’s right… you guessed it… RAINBOW FAMILY! If you’re the event planning type, large or small, virtual or in person, this is your time to caw-caw out to the community and let your family flock to you.

• Host a bowling night for queer women & nonbinary people.

• Plan a book club meetup for that week.

• Organize a craft beer night at your local lesbian-friendly establishment.

• Set up a sunrise yoga session with your sapphic siblings.

• Or gather a group for a screening of the oh-so-inspiring documentary, Ahead of the Curve.

Whether you want to show up in a big way or connect with others and support them in the work they’re doing, Lesbian Visibility Week is an outstanding way to find family across the US & Canada and the generations.

You Are Not Alone

This is hard. We don’t need to deny that it hurts when we feel rejected by our biological families. It doesn’t feel right. It’s not the way things are supposed to be. But having a chosen family in your life truly is a gift—one that not everyone realizes they have the freedom to find.

Go forth and find those who feed your soul and warm your heartspaces. Be the chosen family member that others, from elders to youth, need in their lives. Lastly, know that while your connection to your biological family may not happen right now—it doesn’t necessarily mean that it won’t ever happen. We’ve been overtly and covertly slathered in the messaging that there is something inherently wrong in being LGBTQ+. Your family has been slathered in the same and needs their own time and processing to possibly come around. Not now doesn’t mean not ever.

You are not alone. You are never alone. There are so many people out in this world who can’t wait to love you for who you are. When you’re ready, call them in!