How Do I End My Marriage?
A Mad Lib conversation guide for one of life's hardest situations.
Dear Queer Abby,
How do I begin the conversation with my husband that I found me and want out of a 23 year marriage? I don’t even know how to start.
Sincerely,
Challenged in Chicago
Dear friend,
This is hard. Really hard. Like one of those gut-wrenchingly hard things that we will do almost anything, including contorting ourselves into a false version of who we are for months, years, or decades to avoid facing this reality.
On the other side of this, you will feel like you can breathe again.
I’ve written you a potential script below that you can use, modify, or toss in the trash. Having gone through this same situation myself, there are things I wish I would have said and things I’m glad I said. Here are some top tips for going into this conversation:
Be clear on your vision. Know what you want your relationship with him to look like going forward. Anything that creates confusion or causes false-hope will make things more challenging down the road.
Be honest and direct. Be clear on your sexuality and what that means for your life in the future. Use “I am” statements, rather than “I think” or “I might be”.
Avoid overexplaining. I 100% understand the struggle to want to fill in all the blanks or silence. Don’t go there for this conversation.
Hold space for him to feel whatever emotions come up for him. Likely, your words will catch him off guard. You may have an idea of how he’ll react, but nobody can predict with certainty. (An important note: if you have any concerns about possible violence, this is NOT the conversation you should be having in your relationship. You need to seek safety. Your sexuality has nothing to do with it).
My recommendation is to do a grounding exercise or breathwork before you deliver the news. Support your energetic state in the way that feels best to you so that you can show up with clarity and compassion to give yourself the best possible outcome.
Mad Lib Script
“I want to start by saying how much I care about you and how much I’ve valued the life we’ve built together over the past [PERIOD OF TIME]. This is one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had to have, but it’s coming from a place of honesty and love.
For a long time, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery, trying to understand myself more deeply. This hasn’t been easy, and it’s not something I take lightly. Through this process, I’ve come to realize something fundamental about who I am: I’m a [INSERT LGBTQ+ LABEL]. I now know this is an integral part of me, and it’s something I can no longer ignore.
I want you to know that this realization doesn’t diminish the love, respect, or gratitude I have for you and for the [MONTHS/YEARS] we’ve shared. You have been an amazing partner, and I will always cherish the memories we’ve made together. But I also know that it’s not fair to you, or to me, to continue in a [RELATIONSHIP TYPE] where I can’t fully show up as my authentic self.
As heartbreaking as this is, I believe the best path forward for both of us is to transition from being a [RELATIONSHIP TYPE] to being friends. I know this will take time and healing, but I truly hope we can get there. My deepest hope for you is that, in time, you find someone who can love you fully and completely, the way you deserve.”
And Then…
Hold space. Listen. Ask “Do you have any questions?”
Allow time to process and understand that the more time that passes, the more emotions might change as he goes through the grieving process: denial (“Are you sure you’re gay? How do you know?), anger (Did you lie to me all these years?), bargaining (What if we just open up our relationship?), depression (I’ll never find anyone to love again), acceptance (Have you picked out a cool outfit for Pride yet?).
Incorporate the following if possible:
Hold yourself in an energetic space of love or compassion, rather than fear, sadness or anger.
Understand that you are not responsible for and cannot control his emotional state.
Avoid all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to outcomes or how things will work out. You both can create your own definition of divorce (Read more about that in Perfectly Queer) and decide what you would like your desired outcome to be.
The Truth
Sometimes letting go is the most compassionate thing we can do. As Glennon Doyle once said…
“What is true and beautiful for us is always ultimately what is true and beautiful for our people because there is no such thing as one way liberation.
When we free ourselves, we automatically free everyone around us.
When we grant ourselves permission to live as our truest selves, we automatically grant permission to everyone around us to do the same.”
There are also many coaches, therapists, and counselors who can offer much-needed perspective and guidance to you and your husband along the way. While it may seem like a financial stretch, it’s an investment in your future and your mental health. If you feel that you need it (and I highly recommend it), do what you can to figure out how to make it happen.
Sending so much love to you as you begin this brave, exciting stage of your life. You have a whole community of support here for you.
