How Can I Make It Easier to Meet Women?
A Dear Queer Abby letter
Dear Queer Abby,
Why is it so much easier to meet men? How can I make it easier to meet women?
Sincerely,
Missing Women in Wyomissing
Dear one,
Ah, you have asked the golden question that so many queer women would love to know. Why is it that we could be draped in rainbow clothing, sporting a haircut that would make Clark Kent jealous, with a tattoo that says “Strictly Sapphic” and reading a copy of Girl Sex 101… and some fellow would still try to hit on us?
Sir, if you tell me that I just ‘haven’t found the right man’ I will rip this very thick book apart page by page and paper cut you.
Not only that. At the same time there might be a fellow sapphic sitting one table over from us, wearing a t-shirt that says Le$bean, sipping her iced oat milk latte out of a travel mug she brought from home (to be environmentally conscious) with a picture of Brandi Carlyle wielding a violet labrys on it, reading a copy of Perfectly Queer… and we would still look at each other and think, “I wonder if she’s gay? Should I say something? Maybe she’s just a really strong ally… with really attractive hands?” And then return to our peaceful reading and wander home single AF.
Fine. This is a (slight) exaggeration to illustrate a very real phenomenon in life. Men rarely seem afraid to say what they want to say, to make their attraction known, and to risk rejection. Sure, some men are also shy when it comes to expressing their interest in someone, but the rate of that happening seems to be exceptionally lower than what we see in the women-loving-women community. What gives?!
Society Made Us Do It
This may seem like the ideal time to go off on a ramble-rant about societal conditioning— how it was un-ladylike to be “bold” and “forward” in expressing attraction or asking for a date. After all, in opposite-sex relationships, it is still the dude who does the marriage proposal the majority of the time. Until more recently, women haven’t been encouraged to speak up for what they want and when they want it.
For many of us in the midlife and later crowd, we straddle this strange bridge of growing up in a time when a man was still considered “head and master” in state laws, giving them sole control over the property that was jointly owned by their wife, to now living in a time where the aspiration to be child-free cat ladies has (understandably) gained a strong following.
It’s in some ways fabulous to see how women’s rights and ability to use their voices have changed over the past several decades. And it’s also heartbreaking. It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape became illegal across all 50 states in the US. (Are you KIDDING ME?!)
All this to say that many of us carry a history of not being encouraged to use our voices, to speak up, to ask for what we want and need. And even if we do feel like we have that ability now, we carry the shadows of our ancestors who were silenced, denied, and shamed for so long. This type of deep DNA wiring takes time to re-route.
Shaking Off Ancestral Ghost Trauma
I love the TikTok’s, the books, the movies, and the memes that all joke about how women are often terrible at flirting with each other. How queer women couples are so bad at striking up conversations and friendships with other queer women couples, while simultaneously desiring to have more wlw (women loving women) friendship in their lives. As my dad always used to say, “It’s funny because it’s true.”
This is good news for you in the sense that what you are feeling is felt by SO MANY women in the dating world. The bad news is, we’re all fighting the same fight. And so, the memes continue until one of us decides to be brave. (Uggghhh, please don’t make it be me. Please don’t make it be me.)
The moral of this story is that things don’t change until we make the conscious decision to change them. And that is almost always scary. If it wasn’t scary, our ancestors would have freed us all from this fear long ago.
Time to Hit the Reframe Button
Find a comfy chair. Grab a beverage and let’s play the “envision” game. Let’s envision what you desire… whether that is a woman flirting with you or asking you out. Or maybe it’s for that adorable queer couple, who simultaneously looks like they love cottage core but could also fix a broken ceiling fan, that you wish would strike up a conversation and become your new best friends.
Ask yourself the following:
What would I LOVE for that person or that couple to come up to me and say?
What is the best-case scenario if they approached me and said that?
What is the worst-case scenario if they came up to me and asked, and I just wasn’t into it?
Run through the visualization a few times. Chances are your best-case vision is really really good, and your worst-case vision isn’t truly that bad.
Now here’s the thing— you know what you would like to hear. You know how you’d like to be approached. Believe it or not, many other women and non-binary folks are in the same boat. It comes down to who dares to say the words and do the asking. And, unfortunately, the answer may be “neither” and we miss out on what could have been a really cool connection.
It’s an Odd Odds Game
I think there is one last important point to address here. In the world, there are more men who are attracted to women than there are women who are attracted to women. If you’re a woman attracted to men, the dating pool odds are in your favor.
In addition, men are more likely to engage in risky behavior. As I was reading this study about risk-taking behaviors between men and women, men exhibited more willingness to take risks in all categories except one— socially. While I thought the study was disproving my point, further reading showed that women were as or more likely to engage in social risks, like telling their friends they disagreed with a certain style, taste, or political viewpoint. However, when it came to the social risk of “asking someone on a date” men were statistically more likely to make it happen.
How do we improve our odds? Follow the lead of the Little Mermaid— if you want to be “part of that world” then you need to grab your land legs and head into lesbian land. The good news is that nowadays we’re not limited to gay bars, filled with gay men and straight-ish bachelorette parties. While people don’t like them, queer dating apps do actually contain some women who are looking to date other women, with no husbands attached. But yes… you still have to sift and sort and be patient because #DatingPoolSize.
If apps aren’t your thing, then meetups, volunteer groups, speed dating events, and Kristin Key shows may be your next best bet. Queer women DO go out… sometimes.
Go Forth and Girlfriend
If diving into dating feels too scary, then ask yourself how you can build some more social confidence when it comes to speaking to other queer women and nonbinary folks? Maybe that means joining an online sapphic book club? Maybe it means attending a Club Lilles virtual speed friending event? It could even be going to your local Hobby Lobby and hanging around the wooden letters aisle until another woman also shows up and you rearrange their inventory to spell “LGBTQ” and “GAAAAAY.”
When it comes to things that feel too big and too risky to us, it’s often helpful to look for baby-step scenarios that are less risky but still fall into the same fear category and practice there first. Like Michelle Poler who started 100 Days Without Fear, she discovered that the best way to overcome fear was to face it over and over and over again. Here’s her Ted Talk about it.
Community and connection are vital to our fulfillment and happiness in life. Whether it’s dating or friendship, finding people who we can be vulnerable with and feel safe with is so important. But we reduce our odds and lose all control when we rely on someone else to take that action, to make the approach, and to say the words.
When the odds are not in your favor, my dear dating seeker, we have to be stronger, braver, and more flannel-clad than the rest. In this Choose Your Own Adventure series, you are the main character and you get to choose the path you wish to take. (Pro tip: Bring snacks. Lesbians love snacks.)
A confident woman is super hot.
Have a question that you want to ask Queer Abby? Email Jillian@JillianAbby.com or ask it in the comment section!
