Gay?! Why me? Why Now?
A gal's guide to changing attractions and sexual fluidity
Dear Queer Abby,
I have to tell you, you might be saving me.
I'm the cliché. Married, two kids, almost 40. And I went from always knowing I was bi, but not ever wanting to date women, to now, where I have zero attraction to men anymore and find myself strongly drawn to women.
Why now? Why this late? How the hell do I tell my husband?!
I'm not worried about my friends, they will be great. Except the one girlfriend I mentioned this to and she told me it was a phase. But I don't think it is. Help!!!
Sincerely,
Doubtful in Denver
Dear friend,
First, let me start by saying that I love that our varietal of later-in-life lesbians has become “cliché” in a way. It means that we’re not alone. In some ways, you’re not having to blaze a new trail that no woman has ever traveled. Many have been through similar and are happy to share their experiences. And at the same time, your path is yours alone and will never EXACTLY match another’s.
My story is a very similar parallel: I considered myself bi for a long time (though already in a committed relationship with a man), had two kids, and realized I was a lesbian at 38 years old. And then I let out the familiar cry of our people, “Holy shit! Why Now? Why Is This Happening!!!”
I have a few theories behind the why and also some potential solutions for you that I’ve collected from fellow later-to-LGBTQ+ people. So, let’s dive into a few reasons why grown-ass women are having this sort of sexual awakening.
Cha-cha-changes in Sexual Identity
1) Compulsory Heterosexuality (comphet) and changing societal norms. If you’re not familiar with it, comphet is the assumption that everyone is straight. You may have been raised this way. I was definitely raised this way. Heck, I was subjecting my own kids to some comphet language even after I came out and still defaulted to the assumption that they were straight.
As much as I’d like to pretend comphet couldn’t have that much of a stronghold over my identity, in hindsight I’ve realized that it was a major factor. With comphet comes internalized homophobia. There comes a ranking of relationships and which ones are better or more desirable. Because of comphet, I subconsciously viewed same-sex relationships as something “less than” or “different” for the majority of my younger years.
Now, after being in relationships with women and eventually marrying one who made my heart do cartwheels, I can attest that our relationship is no different than any other relationship out there. The level of love and connection I have with her is what I saw in other relationships between people for so long, regardless of gender. And like any other couple, we’re both convinced that the other person loads the dishwasher all wrong. (But I really do load it the best way). Anywho…
The perception around the LGBTQ+ identity continues to change and mostly for the better. While the opposition may be loud and scary at times, they truly are in the minority today in the US. There are many spaces where you can find safety, support, and love.
Things Do Change
Sexuality is fluid. I’m sure you’ve probably heard this before, as more people begin to acknowledge gender and sexuality as a spectrum rather than a binary. It’s not just because we all read Untamed and became wild cheetahs. Science supports this!
A 2013 study in Psychology and Sexuality found that 64% of women surveyed experienced sexual fluidity, meaning their attraction changed. The survey also found that while “sexually fluid men identified as completely homosexual/gay,” women had a wider range of sexual identities.
Yep. We are complex creatures that just don’t fit into that darn box that society built for us. What you may have felt for your spouse at some point, may very well have changed completely. It’s not because you’re bored. It’s not because you’re confused. It’s not because you’re having a mid-life crisis. It’s not because you stumbled across lesbian TikTok and that flipped a switch after watching so many masc thirst traps… well, maybe that’s part of it.
Sexual fluidity is part of the human experience and something we’re finally able to acknowledge nowadays. At least we’re in good company.
Now What Do We Do?
This part is more difficult. The good news is that we have the experiences of many couples navigating this same situation and there are so many options.
Platonic Relationship. Some people are okay with the thought of a sexless marriage. Heck, a lot of couples that have been together for decades experience this anyway, even when they are attracted to each other. I had several family members pressuring me for this option, pointing out how many couples I knew who slept in separate beds. Trust me, the thought of keeping everything in my life the same and just removing the pressure of sex was enticing. I did enjoy our life in nearly every other aspect. So do many other couples in this same situation.
For me, though, I realized two things:
I didn’t want to have a life void of physical intimacy. Touch is such an important part of the human experience. The thought of lying on my deathbed having never had an intimate experience with a woman haunted me.
Same-sex attraction is more than just sex. I was not just seeking sex. I wanted a relationship with a woman. I wanted to be in love with a woman and not have to feel that invisible boundary that was always present in my relationship with my husband. I was tired of only being able to love to a certain point. I wanted to love with my whole heart. I wanted him to be in a relationship with someone who loved him as deeply and fully as he loved me. A platonic relationship would deny both of us that experience.
Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships. ENM relationships seem to be blowing up in popularity as all types of couples and sexuality identities realize that they can live their lives, have their relationships, and also not deny themselves the type of connection they seek. Janet Hardy’s book, The Ethical Slut, is widely praised as one of the best books on the subject. Ethical non-monogamy requires boundaries and structure to make it work successfully and many people have found their happy place in this type of open relationship.
One note on this. ENM is different from “unicorn hunting” or adding a woman to your sexual relationship with your husband. It’s hard to find women who are interested in taking on this role and are attracted to both you and your partner. Plus, this situation (for most) means that you maintain your sexual intimacy with your current partner, plus the new person, all at once. For some people this works. Most stories I’ve heard, however, result in the women falling for each other and then feelings get hurt and a messy divorce ensues.
Divorce and Start Over. My (now ex) husband and I wanted to make it work. He is an incredible guy. We had a great relationship and friendship (aside from the obvious issue). We explored every option as to how we could stay together without forcing me to have to deny my identity any longer.
When we realized that couldn’t be the case, we concluded that our next best option was to move on and do everything we could to preserve our friendship so that we could successfully co-parent our children. It was risky. It was scary. We didn’t know if either of us would ever find another person. The thought that one or both of us would give up our comfortable marriage to live alone for the rest of our lives was terrifying.
But guess what? We both found love again. He realized what he was missing once he was in a relationship with a straight woman. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience love with my wife, Jen, as I have desired for so much of my life.
Final Thoughts
There are some things I need you to know:
You did not deceive, trick, or lie to him. Your sexuality did not change because you tried to make it so. Your sexuality changed because that’s what sexuality does. And, with age, we become better at sifting through the stories we tell ourselves about how life “should be” and instead search for truth.
You are not broken and there most likely isn’t something to fix. There are so many spouses that hope couples therapy will suddenly revert their partners to be attracted to them again. This almost never happens (except when there is a heavy dose of guilt and shame slathered on the situation).
You both deserve a beautiful and fulfilling future. Either of you can try to deny the reality of the situation, but doing so may bring nothing but prolonged suffering to one or both of you. I will choose the fear of the unknown over comfortable suffering any day of the week.
Lean into the queer community when you need support or have questions. There are fabulous Facebook groups like Jaime Messina’s “Club Lilles Community” and Franco Stephens’ “The Curve Community” that are such wonderful forums to connect with others who have or are going through the same thing.
The road ahead may be challenging, but there is no better gift that you can give yourself (and teach your children) than living with integrity in your truth. Sending you a huge hug. We’re here for you in whatever you decide.
