Did I Just Mess Up My Life?

The long and short of making a major life change.

Dear Queer Abby,

I am feeling stuck in life. I’ve finally come out, divorced my husband, and now I’m alone. My financial situation isn’t great. My dating life is nearly non-existent. I’m starting to wonder what I did all of this for.

I used to create vision boards of this amazing life I wanted to have, but it’s just not happening. Part of me wishes that I had just stayed in my relationship because it was easier. I don’t know what I’m actually looking for here. I feel like I screwed up my life.

Sincerely,

Messed up in Miami

Dear friend,

I know you want me to tell you everything will be fine. I also know you probably want me to validate that what you’re feeling right now is normal and that it happens to us all at some point. I could write for days, volumes and volumes about how life gets better and it’s so worth it and blah blah. That is all true. But chances are you’ve heard that before and it’s still not doing anything for you. So let’s take a new path, shall we?

Your Vision for Life

Do you know what you want life to look like? No… really. I know you’ve created a vision board, but have you really taken the plunge to understand what you desire your life to be? What location are you in? What time do you get up in the morning? Who is with you (if anyone)? What does your breakfast look like? What is part of your morning routine in your ideal day? Etc. Etc. Etc.

It’s rare that we vision our life in this level of detail. I’ve seen so many vision boards that include words like “Fun” and “Travel” without any real idea of what fun means to them or where they want to travel to. At first it feels good to glue stick these magazine snippets onto paper and think, “Yeah baby! That’s what I want out of life!” But then we can get lost. We either tuck the vision board into our desk drawer and forget to look at it or we stare at each day and our energy shifts to everything on it that is not magically happening in our lives.

Our emotional state shifts from one of excitement to one of desperation, lack, or sadness. Has that happened to you? No. Just me. Okay… keep reading, please.

Getting Granular on Life

This isn’t a curmudgeon judgment against dreaming or vision boarding. Dreaming (either when you’re asleep or daydreaming) is vitally important to how we create our life. As Robert Moss said in a class I took with him on liminal dreaming, “Our soul is the key to our dreams. Our dreams are the key to our soul.” What we desire is an important part of who we are.

Why am I getting all esoteric on you? Because the life you had was most likely not the one you dreamed of. So when you have these thoughts that you should have stayed in the life that was “good enough for you” know that you are choosing your earthly momentary ease over the deep desire of your soul. You deserve more than several decades of “good enough” with a soul that is nearly running on empty.

The challenge is to figure out what it is your soul desires. Spend the time on this like you spend time brushing your teeth, or grocery shopping, or any of the other million things we find time to do in our day because we “have to” do them. Right now, you have to take care of your soul. And so do I. And so does every other person reading this. Are you willing to invest five minutes of your day to doing that?

This is where we go back to vision. Devote time to getting clear on your vision of life and what you want. Go into specific detail of what that looks like. I found this exercise to be quite difficult at first. I wanted to put limits on what I was allowed to envision for my life. I felt greedy and like I was asking for too much, or that if I made my vision too perfect it would somehow not come true so I had to sell myself short in some areas.

I have since learned there is no value in doing that. And since you don’t have to share this life vision with the internet (or anyone), then you might as well make it as perfect and wild and lovely and outlandish as you desire. Because it’s only for you. Dream bigger.

Sorry, I got a little Tony Robbins there. And now I’m craving a protein shake and to walk over hot coals. Excuse me, I’ll be right back…

I Have a Vision. Now What? Life Still Sucks

How do you feel when you think about your vision? When you shut your eyes and see yourself living that life, what emotions come up for you? Perhaps they are emotions that feel good to you—joy, excitement, hope, or love. There’s also the chance that sitting in this vision creates feelings of lack, fear, anxiety, or doubt. That is absolutely okay too. We don’t need to judge the emotions, we’re simply acknowledging them at first.

Alrighty, now we have an emotion that we’re dealing with. Let’s think about what that emotion feels like in your body. Joy feels very different than fear, right? Each emotion carries an energetic vibration. According to a study by the Heartmath Institute, the people in our proximity may also pick up on this vibration. You know this to be true in your own life. Have you ever been around a friend, family, or coworker who is putting on a happy face but you know something isn’t right with them? They say they're fine and yet you perceive something different.

Now think about what that might mean for your life in terms of your energetic state right now. What emotion are you holding? What is the emotion that seems to be dominating most of your days? What is the emotional vibration you have that you are sharing with those around you? And those you choose to surround yourself with, what is the emotional vibration they are sharing with you?

Is it possible that your emotional state is having an impact on how you feel about life and what comes into your life? Now think of your vision for life. What types of emotional energy would you need to be in for that vision to happen?

Chances are the life you desire is not one filled with fear or insecurity. Your dream life is not dominated by the emotion of sadness or lack. So, what emotional state would you need to feel to do what you desire to do with this one precious life? Can you practice shifting yourself there?

It’s Not That Easy

I’ve asked you to perform the most simple and also most Herculean task—choose your emotional state. If you can do this one thing, you’ll be amazed at what can shift. And also, learning to identify and take control of your emotional state is an incredibly challenging thing to do. People study years, if not lifetimes, to try and do it—though the reality is that many people I know default to “I am who I am” or point to their zodiac sign as an explanation for their undesired behaviors.

I also know that we have different life experiences that impact our connectedness or disconnectedness from our emotions. Maybe your parents punished you for crying as a kid or for being too overly excited about things. Maybe you’ve had a hard life and have experienced learned helplessness, a state where you believe that no matter what you do you will always suffer in this life because your situation is out of your control. Our emotions may also be driven differently depending on our internal chemical balances or imbalances, our blood sugar levels, our exhaustion, or other factors.

Does that mean we should give up on seeing if we can shift our emotional energy? No. I think this is something worth fighting for.

Should You Stay or Should You Go

Dear reader, I understand why the past looks comforting— our survival brains will take the known over the unknown any day of the week. It’s particularly hard when your present is not where you want to be in life. But guess what? Your past isn’t where you want to be in life either, right? And there is probably a great chance that the emotional energy you carried in your past life was not predominantly one of joy, love, or compassion—or you wouldn’t have left that life.

You can tell yourself you were happy back then, and maybe there were periods of time when you were. We don’t have to be “all or nothing” here. But there was a predominant energy that pushed you forward knowing that the life you were in was not where you were supposed to be. And you’re in an energy once again that is tell you, “This ain’t it, sis! Keep moving!”

You can try and follow the well-worn path backward or spend the time to create your map forward. What is your vision for life? Where are you heading? What emotional energy will help bring you to that state? How can you find pieces of that vision for your life in your present day? How can you experience the emotion you need for that vision now?

If you can sit with that, the path forward may start to appear for you.

Help Is Out There

Lastly, and most importantly, know that you are not alone in this. There are people and books and communities and resources out there who can help you along the way. You need to ask for what you need and go out and seek it. Try putting yourself in the emotion of what you need for your beautiful future, and then call in your people—through social media, through books in your library, through podcasts, through coaches and mentors, through friends, through family, through your spiritual connection.

You are not alone in this and you have the ability to shape your path forward. You just have to get clear on what you’re looking for.

Sending so much love your way,