Come Out, Come Out! Or Don't.
October 11 is National Coming Out Day. Are you ready?
Dear Queer Abby,
I just learned about National Coming Out Day on October 11 and I’m not sure what to do. I am only recently out to myself and a few of my friends, but most people still have no idea and I’m not sure how they’ll react. Should I be coming out this National Coming Out Day to show up for my new community? I don’t want to keep hiding in the closet, but I’m not sure if I’m ready.
Sincerely,
Questioning in Quinnipiac
Dear friend,
I am so proud of you. Even from the shadows of the closet, I see you and the rest of the community sees you and we want you to know it’s okay. So many of us have been there too. Those shadows have created what probably feels like a dark and scary place and it’s going to take time for your eyes to acclimate to the light.
You are correct. National Coming Out Day will soon be celebrated across the United States and parts of Europe on October 11. It was started back in 1988 to encourage the queer community to identify themselves and help further the belief that if more people realized they already knew, were friends with, or loved a queer person in their life, they would be more understanding.
And it turns out that belief is correct! An old Pew Research poll from 2013 surveyed people who changed their stance to supporting marriage equality and found that the top reason for the change (32% of people) was that they knew a queer person. That ranked far above things like believing in equal rights or that the government should avoid interfering in people’s happiness. Homophobia and transphobia thrive in darkness. That’s why I now walk around in a neon glowing windbreaker suit that says “GAY” all over it. (Kidding— but if this is a thing, I want it.)
I Wasn’t Always There
I remember when I first learned about National Coming Out Day. I felt anxious, fearful, and even had some shame tossed in the mix. I had only come out to myself and a handful of friends in July and now October was here and I was supposed to make a public declaration to the world to save my community?! I hadn’t even come out to my cat yet! (Side note: cat is still indifferent towards me.)
It was this strange push-pull of wanting to be fully out of the closet and also not feeling ready yet. Wanting to show up for the community who had already worked so hard and sacrificed so much for the rights and privileges I enjoy today, while also not knowing if I had the mental and emotional strength required to come out on a larger scale. I was barely out and felt like I was letting the entire community down— even though none of them knew I was part of the community yet.
Who Is National Coming Out Day For?
If you or someone you know was ever “outed” before they were ready, you know it’s never a good thing. Often the person may not yet have the support system or be in the mental state to handle the challenges that come along with the revelation.
Coming out on our own accord, when we feel more ready (or less not-ready) is generally a better experience because we’re making the conscious choice to shift our identity and let others know. It’s still scary. It’s still with a certain degree of unknown. However, having the ability to control the timing and share the words when we feel more equipped to do so will often produce better results. Like a Girl Scout, we’re going in prepared.
National Coming Out Day might feel like it’s throwing a wrench in the plan, but it’s not. If you are not ready to come out, you are under no obligation to anyone to do so. I repeat— National Coming Out Day is meant for members of the LGBTQ+ community who feel comfortable sharing their identity to do so. You’ll be there someday. This may just not be your year… yet.
One more time, in case you got distracted by a cute dog video:
You do not need to come out if it’s not safe to do so.
You do not need to come out if you don’t feel as though you are in a healthy mental state to do so.
You do not need to come out if you feel no desire to do so.
You do not need to come out to everyone.
You do not need to come out just because there’s a holiday on the calendar encouraging you to do so and as a result, you feel compelled to share the Facebook memes.
Phew! So Now What?
You can still celebrate National Coming Out Day without driving your RAV4 to Party City and stocking up on every rainbow item out there. It’s a great time to acknowledge and celebrate who you’re out to— even if it’s a party of just you. Self-realization can lead to self-acceptance. Self-acceptance can lead to self-love. And self-love can improve your feelings of self-worth. Wherever you fall on that spectrum is a BFD (big fucking deal).
National Coming Out Day is also a fabulous time to study up on your queer history. Learn about National Coming Out Day’s founders, Robert Eichberg and Jean O’Leary. Google why October 11 was chosen as the date every year. Study up on the hard-fought rights that the queer community has gained over the past century so that when you’re ready to join the ranks of the out and proud LGBTQ+ you can help preserve those rights. Watch documentaries like “Ahead of the Curve” and feel your pride in your community grow.
Ready or Not, Do What You Want?
I am really proud of you for asking the question and wanting to show up. I am also really proud of you for being honest in how you feel about the day. Not now does not mean not never. And when you do feel ready, we’re here waiting for you with open arms.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from John Gascot of Diversity Arts/Studios at 5663 in Pinellas Park: John encouraged me to think of coming out as bestowing a privilege on the person or people to whom I was coming out--that I don't owe it to anybody to personally share my truth with them. I probably would not have come out the way I came out had John not told me that, and it was awesome advice: when I came to view my truth as something I possessed, and coming out as a process of which I was in charge of orchestrating. But it also helped to the extent that events such as National Coming Out Day can generate passive-aggressive pressure on those who are simply not ready to come out, and at the time, John's advice seemed almost like a lone voice in the wilderness.
It's a legitimate conflict. I know I'm prone to pasting quotes from Harvey Milk ("Just come out"..."How can people change their minds about us if they don't know who we are?") all over my social media feed, and I'm sure that they can generate the same passive-aggressive pressure on people not yet ready to come out. Because of this conflict, I tend to focus on sharing my specific experiences and specific journey, and try to avoid making generalized proclamations directed at some vaguely-defined "you" on behalf of an entire trans community who certainly does not universally share my opinions. I share my coming out story because it changed my life, not because everybody suddenly knew my secret, but because the response I received in no way resembled the response I anticipated. And sometimes I need to be reminded of that myself--that regardless of what Ron DeSantis preaches, my transition was not the result of a trans community "indoctrinating" me or "recruiting" me, but my observation that there did indeed exist a significant segment of the cis community that was openly willing to accept and support the trans community.
All that said, I do think that whatever pressure to come out on October 11th is illusory--I know my first, tentative steps into my immediate community as Monique, as well as my initial connections with the local LGBTQ+ community, was during the events of "Come Out St. Pete" back in 2019, and it's a shame that the event seems to have since fallen by the wayside, probably a victim of COVID, gentrification, and Ron DeSantis.