Can Long Distance Love Work?
Tips for building a bond across the pond.
Dear Queer Abby,
My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship (LDR) for seven months now and I’m struggling. I really like her and we had such a strong connection from the beginning, but the distance is starting to take its toll. I really really want to make this work, but don’t know how. This is hard.
Sincerely,
Longing for London
Dear friend,
Ah, yes. You found a great match for you in every way, except geographically. Not so uncommon given the relatively small size of the dating pool for queer women. At first, we can enter our LDR with the passion of a three-legged dog who just learned that the garbage can is full of food. (That’s probably an odd and too-niche description from my own life, but you get it, right?).
Long-distance relationships can absolutely work, but there are things that will put you to the test. Let’s talk about a few foundational needs (and deal-breakers) in an LDR, and then a few ways to keep the flames alive. Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened for the remainder of the flight as there may be some turbulence ahead.
What You Absolutely Must Have to Start an LDR
Whoa, tiger! That seems like a bold statement. I don’t often like to speak or write in absolutes, but here I am tossing a good ol’ H2 header with my foundational requirement for all LDRs (and really, all relationships in general).
All relationships, even before they start, should have a vision. Have you ever taken the time to think about what your ideal romantic relationship would look like? What would you need to have in the relationship (like monogamy, kids, a room for your Pez collection, etc)? The desire to have a home together someday might be one of those needs for you. Another person may desire to always maintain their independence but want to have a person in their life who loves and cares for them. You might need sex. You might need no sex.
Your needs are the deal-maker/deal-breaker type of things in the relationship. If you’re willing to let any of these things slide (ex. You claim you need monogamy, but then your partner says they’re poly and you continue the relationship), then it wasn’t really a need for you, it was a want.
So many people end up frustrated in their relationships, with spoken and unspoken resentments building up over time because they didn’t have a clear idea of their vision for a relationship nor what their needs were.
My LDR Story
If you happen to have read Perfectly Queer, then you know that the relationship between my wife and me started as an LDR—even though I wanted very much NOT to be in an LDR. Yes, I know that may sound like a contradiction to my previous paragraphs above, but hear me out. I knew I didn’t want to be in an LDR forever. My need was to have a partner who lived in Florida with me. That need didn’t mean that I couldn’t enter into an LDR, just that LDR status could not be our forever status.
Cool. Okay. You’re nodding your head like, “Who in the right mind would ever want a permanent LDR situation?!” You may be right. Here’s the kicker, though. I see many couples enter into LDRs while holding off on the very difficult (and sometimes awkward) conversation of their needs for the relationship. Then they find themselves months or years in and absolutely frustrated by the lack of change, movement, or progress in their situation.
When Jen and I first met in Florida and I realized that she actually lived 936.3 miles away in Pennsylvania, I had to be completely frank with her that there were some hard truths when it came to us ever starting a relationship. They were hard truths because I was absolutely gaga over her (I still am) and thought she was the perfect person for me (I still do), but my needs had to take priority over my desire to be with her.
I have two kids. In my divorce process with my ex-husband, we promised each other we would continue to raise and co-parent our children within the same city. This allowed them to have regular time with both of their parents and remain in the same school without interruption.
I communicated that to Jen on our first date. Moving to Pennsylvania would not be an option for me for the next 12 years, minimum. If we really wanted to be together, she would need to move to Florida. That was a huge ask given that 1) she had lived in PA her whole life and was very close with her family and 2) she had a very successful medical practice with a client base that she had built up over the past two decades.
I felt bad for even stating that in order for us to be together, she would have to be the one to change, but it was true. Staying put in Florida was a need for me. It didn’t matter how cute and perfect and lovely she was, I could only enter into this relationship if she made the choice to move. Fortunately for me, she had actually always wanted to move to Florida. It was part of her vision. It took us about four years, but eventually, we both fulfilled our relationship vision.
Determine your vision. Determine your needs. Have “the talk” ASAP with your person, if you haven’t already, to determine if this is a viable relationship or if you’re both setting yourself up for frustration.
When Your Relationship Aligns
Alrighty! You’ve had the talk. You’re both aligned that your vision for the relationship and your needs will eventually be met. Now what do you do in the meantime to keep the spark a glow when spending hours on FaceTime is no longer doing it for ya?
Here are a few ideas that I’ve sourced from my own life, other couples, and the wild world of the internet to shake things up:
Get a couple’s card game like Better Together. Bonus points if you each have your own deck. Take turns pulling question cards and asking each other to spark deeper and usual conversations. You’ll learn more about fears, values, hopes, and some really quirky shit too.
Start a Pinterest date board together. As you find things you’d like to do on a future get-together, pin it. Maybe it’s a recipe you want to make together. Local site you want to visit together. Craft to do together. Build your anticipatory excitement for what’s to come.
Watch a movie together while on Facetime/Skype/Zoom. It’s a little tricky to get the movies exactly synced, but so fun to watch together and see each other’s reactions.
Send hand-written letters. It’s always fun to receive mail. I used to love to include a photo or two. Or make a sentence out of word magnets and let them unscramble your message and keep it on their fridge.
Get fit together. Go on a walk while you talk. Set up a yoga class on YouTube and enjoy moving together. Lift weights in your own home space and track your fitness goals together.
Start your own book club for two. Pick something to read and then either share your thoughts on the chapter(s) on your next call. Or make it extra romantic and take turns reading a chapter to each other.
Send a “just because” gift. It can be something you buy (like maybe a local favorite food treat for them to try) or something from your own home (like your softest t-shirt for her to sleep in).
Visit the Louvre or another museum together through a virtual tour.
Do a themed date. Maybe you each grab the ingredients for the same recipe and you both cook and eat it together (from your own separate homes). Or grab a canvas and some paint supplies and let your creativity fly!
Forget your home bases and take a Club Lilles vacation together!
You’ll Get What You Choose
Long-distance relationships can be an exciting adventure. They’re often full of solid communication when you’re not together and big emotions when you are together. There is a lot of intensity that comes with the territory.
I remember how much my heart used to hurt every time Jen or I had to hop back on a plane to leave. Like a physical ache, a hollowness, and oh-so many tears. While those may not seem like ideal emotions, I spent a lot of time sitting in those emotions so I could capture how they felt in my body. I knew there would come a day when we’d get bored or we’d bicker over the other person’s dishwasher loading style or why the electric bill is still so dang high, and I wanted to remember the feeling in my mind and body of what life was like without her in it.
The other cool thing with an LDR is that your relationship journey becomes like its own separate stories. There’s the long distance part, then the transition phase when you first move in together, and then life as usual when you’ve found your routines and rhythms. Each phase is different and has its own joys and challenges.
Final tip: Get an airline credit card for whatever flight you’d be taking most. Switch annually to take advantage of those huge miles benefits, if possible. Or get a gas rewards card if you’ll be doing lots of driving. Saving where you can means more trips in the future.
Good luck, LDR lovers! You are now free to roam wherever your heart takes you.
