Are the standards for a healthy relationship different?

Is one gender's "love bomb" another gender's intense flattery?

Dear Queer Abby,

Dating women is harder than I thought. I’m finding myself caught up trying to identify heteronormative red flags and trying to make sense of whether they’re really the same thing in a same-sex relationship. For example, what I would identify as “love bombing” from a man feels like less of a red flag from a woman. I’ve also heard terms like “limerence” used in the wlw community as a potential relationship pitfall. I never heard that term or experienced that when dating men. I guess my real question is, “What is ‘normal’ when it comes to dating women?”  I don’t want to run from everyone who shows interest immediately but I am someone that needs to take things slow also and not sure how to navigate that.

Concerned in Cape Coral

Dear friend,

Dating isn’t easy—not for anyone and not with any gender. Throw in trying to interpret the shade of red, beige, and green flags and it can be downright dizzying. Let’s start with what we know to be generally true.

Are Women More Intense? Usually.

Lesbian dating tends to move faster than your standard hetero situationship. Studies from psychologists tell us that women, when dating other women, tend to form emotional bonds quickly due to mutual emotional openness and oxytocin (aka the "bonding hormone"). This is why you can meet a woman on Monday and by Friday, she’s texting you goodnight paragraphs and a link to her new Pinterest board of your future cottage, complete with three rescue dogs and loads of snarky feminist needlepoint.

But just because something is common doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy. Let’s take a look at both love bombing and limerence—both of which can create emotional intensity that feels like fate but might not actually be the foundation for a stable relationship.

Love Bombing vs. Limerence: Two Red Flags in Disguise

Love bombing is a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms you with excessive affection, attention, and grand gestures too soon in order to fast-track attachment. It’s not just about strong feelings—it’s about control, often followed by withdrawal once you’re emotionally hooked. Watch out for:

• Over-the-top declarations of love early on (“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before!” on date two)

• Pressure to reciprocate affection or commitment (“I just know we’re meant to be together” before you even know her middle name)

• Nonstop texts, gifts, and attention (then pouting or pulling away if you don’t match her level)

• Shifting from extreme adoration to criticism once she feels she “has” you

On the other hand, limerence is a psychological state of obsession that makes new love feel intoxicating, almost addictive. It’s when you put someone on a pedestal, idealize them, and become preoccupied with every little thing they say or do. While it’s not inherently manipulative like love bombing, it can still create an unhealthy dynamic where emotions cloud judgment and real compatibility gets overlooked. Signs of limerence include:

• Constant thoughts or obsessive fantasies about the person

• Assigning deep meaning to small interactions (like analyzing a text for hours)

• Irrational positive evaluation of their personal attributes & feeling like they’re “perfect” before you truly know them

• Extreme emotional highs and lows based on their attention or approval; may include feeling safe when you’re with them and anxious when you’re not

Both love bombing and limerence can make a new connection feel powerful, but they can also set you up for a crash if you’re not careful. The key to moving toward a healthy relationship is recognizing when intensity is replacing real emotional security and mutual respect.

How to Date Slowly

Since you already know you need a slow burn, here’s how to keep things in check while still enjoying the moment:

1. Acknowledge, but Don’t Over-Absorb the Intensity

   • When she says, “I feel like I’ve known you forever,” you can respond with:

     • Flirty version: “I love that you feel that way! I’m excited to get to know you at a pace that feels good for both of us.”

     • Blunt version: “That’s sweet! But just so you know, I like to take things slow.”

2. Set the Speed Limit

   • If she’s already sending you "good morning, my love" texts after two dates, gently redirect:

     • “You’re adorable, but let’s keep the pet names on the back burner until we’ve at least survived an IKEA furniture-building project together.”

3. Don’t Mistake Excitement for Compatibility

   • Just because you feel a deep connection doesn’t mean it’s a good long-term fit. Give yourself time to see if you truly align in values, communication, and emotional health before diving in headfirst.

4. Check for Respectful Boundaries

   • Intense emotions are fine—if they respect your needs. If someone reacts badly to you slowing things down or tries to guilt you into more commitment than you’re ready for, that’s a red flag.

You’re Not Overthinking It

It’s totally normal to feel weird about this. The key is not to run from every person who expresses strong interest, but to notice if that interest is respecting your boundaries or trying to bulldoze them.

So go forth, date wisely, and remember: There is no prize for fastest relationship formed—but there is a prize for happiest, healthiest relationship at your own pace (it’s peace of mind, and maybe a partner who actually respects your speed limit).

With so much love,